The cover illustration features a vicious looking French poodle with large fangs wagging their tail and sitting by kitchen cupboards. Their pink dinner bowl, in front of them, is labeled "Fifi" and has a cracked bone in it.
The reader starts out with a costume called "vampire in a can": a cheesy vampire costume stuffed inside a can. The reader then finds a strange packet of red goo inside that will turn anyone who swallows it into a vampire. The two main storylines deal with either the reader becoming a vampire or the reader's pet dog Fifi becoming one.
List of endings
There are eighteen bad ending and four good endings.
- Based on the wording to reverse vampirism, you and Gabe decide it says not to drink the Garlic Spray. You try to keep from eating "for four hours and a day" - but you can't resist biting each other, so you complete your transformation into vampires.
- Mr. Reuterly bites Robbie (the bully you tried to give him as a victim) and Gabe, and they both die. He flies away just as Robbie's parents arrive home. You are convicted of double murder, and spend eternity in a solitary confinement cell, in agony from lack of blood (as a vampire, you are immortal, so you can't die.)
- You approach Mr. Weniger to ask him where Fifi is. He gets angry, lies about not seeing her, and slams his front door. You have to speak to him, but you're so scared that you try to ask Gabe to ring the doorbell instead of doing it yourself. The book scolds you for being such a wimp, and ends the story there.
- You throw a glass of blood in Countess Yvonne's face, and she is swarmed by the other vampires trying to lick the blood off her. Instead of escaping, you join the other vampires and try to drink some of the blood. You get scolded for making that decision and are advised to close the book and repeat, "It is not normal to drink blood." The book tells you how weird you are, and speculates that you may be a real vampire.
- You escape the factory to your house for help and find a surprise birthday party in your honor. Since you love vampires, the whole vampire situation was a prank for your birthday. Then you realize that your parents and Gabe are really vampires and your mother offers you blood to drink, thus implying that you are one also.
- You're stuck as a vampire bat. Gabe keeps you as a pet and as an in-joke, after he grows up to become a Major League Baseball player, you become the team's unofficial "bat boy".
- Mr. Weniger saves you from the vampire animals and reveals his plans of selling them to the circus for money. You are then bitten by a vampire mosquito.
- Countess Yvonne and the other vampires have drained Gabe of his blood and she locks you inside one of the coffins for years to come - until she decides to free you.
- You are forced to spend the rest of your life listening to Count Von Smelling's life story while hoping that it really is possible to be bored to death, so you won't have to listen any more.
- You and Gabe accidentally transform each other into full-fledged vampires and decide to pay a visit to the Blood Bank.
- After you die from lack of blood, your parents let Mr. Reuterly use you as a window display in his store.
- You're in a cemetery, and someone is pursuing you. You decide to hide inside an open grave, but someone fills in the hole with dirt, and you're buried alive.
- You refuse to work with Mr. Reuterly, so he drains you of your blood and leaves you for dead in an open grave.
- After being bitten by Fifi, Gabe attempts to leave you behind, but you suddenly turn on him. You then proceed to bite him and drain the lifeblood from him.
- Another vampire named Carrie attacks your father and drains his blood. Carrie glides away as you slide into the ground weak and lifeless (because you're immortal) - but you're declared legally dead. Your family has you cremated, and then your fangs are given to the undertaker's son as a memento.
- Your mother opens the blinds in your room, and you're instantly killed by exposure to sunlight.
- Fifi tries to save you from the vampire animals from the pet shop, but they overtake you and drain all of your blood.
- You try to escape a bunch of vampire dogs by hiding in a garage, but you're not fast enough. The dogs attack you and apparently kill you.
- You and Gabe turn back to humans by drinking the Garlic Spray.
- You're running from the cops, so you hide out in another town, and get a job working the night shift. You eventually fall in love with another vampire, live a happy immortal life with her and have many vampire babies.
- Your father, a dentist, fits you with braces that make it impossible for you to bite anyone. You discover that you can live off the cow blood in raw steak, and you'll be able to live a normal life as long as the braces are never removed. Then you decide to pretend to be a human for Halloween.
- Fifi and the vampire dogs change back to normal. Gabe tells you that he gave them "dog-in-a-can"; magical biscuits that work like the vampire blood, and turn anyone that eats them into a dog. You ask him for one of the biscuits so you can become a dog for Halloween (it is not explained how you intend to change back to a human after that.)
Reprints and rereleases
Please Don't Feed the Vampire! was reprinted as the thirty-second book in the Classic Goosebumps series to promote the Goosebumps film. It is the first and only Give Yourself Goosebumps book to receive a reprint.
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- Multiple prints of the book make the typo of referring to Fifi as male, when really Fifi is female. This error was fixed in the Classic Goosebumps reprint.
- At the time of it's release, this book had the earliest point (page two) where the reader where the reader was able to make a decision. However, Invaders from the Big Screen and Weekend at Poison Lake would later surpass this book, as they both have choices on the first page.
- Despite Fifi being on the cover, the story line where she turns into a vampire dog is much shorter than the story line where the reader becomes a vampire.
References in other Goosebumps media
- Fifi and Countess Yvonne appear in the film Goosebumps. Fifi is seen for the first time attacking Zach Cooper's aunt Lorraine Conyers after escaping from the Please Don't Feed the Vampire! manuscript, she later appears as a background monster in several scenes. Countess Yvonne also appears as a background monster.